"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)
"Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."
— Chelsea Handler
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)
"Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."
— Chelsea Handler
"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)
""I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
— Chelsea Handler
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people."
— Chelsea Handler
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)
""I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
— Chelsea Handler
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people."
— Chelsea Handler
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